Q-Blog

In order to get the full result (much like an alcoholic drink I assume) you must follow this recipe exactly
Ingredients:
2 Confident friends
1 Good available friend
1 Great weather Friday
1 Bike with lights
1 Unscheduled night ride
1 Forest trail—must have a tree
1 Helmet
1 Doctor with some experience in
cosmetic surgery…

Note: To get the desired effect DO NOT use any ice or pain medication—an anti-inflammatory is okay but you need to feel some pain…This process takes 24 hours.

DIRECTIONS:
Have a wonderful, incredible, stress filled Friday. It is imperative that you remember it is the last day of the working week and the first day of a great weekend. Take the two friends and the bike with the lights. A helmet is necessary for the safety.

Proceed down the trail at night with the lights, the friends, and the helmet. I met the tree halfway down—it was a good 12” thick. With a little anticipation, you can hit it quite hard—not hard enough to dislocate your shoulder (that is another recipe) but hard enough to sprain it good. The two friends are good for both support and blame…after all no one goes down a trail like that by themselves…

With the helmet cracked, your shoulder sprained, and a little frustration go directly to sleep…seven hours later-wake up.

When you wake, you will feel an incredible amount of pain. This is really the desired effect—the strained shoulder should be stiff. You need only to sit and contemplate your day for a few minutes…Some may choose to relieve themselves—contrary to belief, I just sat on the toilet lid and looked at the wall…

Stand up IMMEDIATELY. The quicker the better—you should feel an immense ‘head rush’. This is a natural process (the vegas nerve) emphasized for effect by low blood pressure. YOU WILL PASS OUT. This action will allow your head to hit whatever object you might be aligned with—in other words—if you are facing a wall, you will hit the wall, the shower door, in my case—the towel rack (as best I can figure).

It won’t take long to get the desired result. Within a few seconds you will regain consciousness and realize the blood on the floor is yours (someone has not been murdered).

Call the good available friend—In my case, it was a friend who dislocated his shoulder four weeks prior. He should immediately take you to a doctor. Any head wound will suffice but one to the face is best. If the Doctor has no cosmetic surgery experience your ugliness will last longer…Mine, fortunately knew what he was doing. He used 20+ stitches and prescribed some antibiotics…

Do not use ice. Within 24 hours you will be ugly as sin. The associated swelling and bruising will draw attention in public and personal circles. Expect good jokes—like, “oh yeah, you should see the other guy!!” and “—hey! The name is Mr. Scarface to you pal!!”









In all honesty I’ve come a long way. Even the ladies think it may have been a move in the right direction—chicks dig scars—right? The guys advise telling a better story than, “yep, I passed out in the toilet…” Either way, its just another story and after four months it is just another line on my face.

My mother is freaking out right now. I haven’t shown her pictures since before it happened…However, the doctor is pleased with the result—It is amazing how quick your face heals—more evidence of the genius in creation. Within three days the surface stitches (15 hair-thin) were removed and my skin was sealed…